.decisions.

.currently, i am standing at my crossroad, deciding which decision to make.

.recently i have been feeling different about someone who i care about. i have had strong feelings about keith going to church. however i wanted him to go for himself. we have had deep conversations about my thoughts/my goals in life/etc. through all of this, i have made sure he is going for HIM...not for me. he recently agreed to take the missionary discussions and honestly time with tell about how things go from here.

.of course, this is bringing problems with andrew and i. so i have asked for "space" to figure out my wants/needs in a relationship and in my future. i worry about andrew, with his health. but we have talked about it, and he respects my wishes. this was also a wish from his mom, for both of us to date other people. i need to figure out if something/someone different is what i want, or if i want to pursue the relationship with andrew...and if that happens it has ALOT of changes that needs to b made. not only on his behalf, but mine as well.

.so thats whats been going on in mu life. its been crazy and stressful, but i feel so much better knowing that everyone knows how i feel, with no strings attached to anything. thank you for all those who have been there to help me (my girl-janelle, my other girl-tammy, my bestie-keith, my sister-kristina) talk through my problems, give me advice, and be patient through this trial/blessing of mine.

.song.

.i have a song that was introduced to me by my bestie. i have never heard it, which is funny cause 1-its country 2-its be jason aldean. anyways so here are the lyrics to it. and its the first song that plays on my playlist. i listen to this song every morning, and it just starts out my day right. i love love love it. thanks keith for introducing it.

YOUR THE LOVE I WANNA BE IN-BY JASON ALDEAN

I've always been there every time he let you down.
I caught your fallin' tears before they hit the ground.
But I just heard somebody say that you finally told him goodbye.
Well, girl now you've finally made your move, now I'm here to make mine.

I wanna be there when you wake up,
Be more than just your friend.
Baby there's no mistakin',
You're the love I wanna be in, ah yeah.

I've kept my feelins under lock and key.
Couldn't let you see them even though it was killin' me.
You can't imagine all the time I spent wishin' you were mine.
I just know if we ever kissed, we'd go crazy, baby, for the rest of our lives.

I wanna be there when you wake up,
Be more than just your friend.
Baby there's no mistakin',
You're the love I wanna be in.


Well, I wanna be there when you wake up,
Be more than just your friend.
Baby there's no mistakin',
You're the love I wanna be in.

I wanna be there when you wake up,
Be more than just your friend.
Baby there's no mistakin',
You're the love I wanna be in.
You're the love I wanna be in, ah yeah.

I wanna be there when you wake up.

.girl time.

. i have had ALOT of thoughts/feelings this last week . alot of stress, alot of headaches, and heartache . i needed some girl time . but all of girls are gone. married, engaged or figuring out life .

.someone came to mind. someone who has expressed faith in God. someone who has endured MANY trials. someone who i see as a role model. someone who will listen & understand. someone who will not judge. someone who will love me. someone who i have grown close to. who has asked how i REALLY am. that someone was tammy kirby.

.i was kinda like, uh... i just didnt know. i figured. send a text, see if she responds. so i send one, asking if the kids were put to bed (kyle was at firestation). soon, i text comes back informing me kids were tucked into bed, and if i needed anything.

.tears streamed down my face as i responded, i needed to talk. God knew my needs, and answered them for me. she told me to come over, and spend the night. i got there, and she talked to me until 1am. she informed me that my feelings were okay, that what i was feeling was okay. that i needed to "live my years", and find out who i am. that whatever decision i make, is going to be hard. but most importantly, that i need to make my decision with the Lord has my best friend, and my guide.

.i slept amazing that night. i woke up the next morning, feeling so much better about myself, about my future, and what i needed to do.

.i wanted to thank tammy for being such an inspiration to me. for being there for me. for be a great role model not only to me, but for her kids and people around her. for being such an amazing mom, and wife.

.but most importantly, thank you for being an answer to my prayer.

.worried & helpless.

.the letter from andrew hadn't come on monday. nor did it come tuesday. finally wednesday i get a letter from andrew.

.it was long. and usually this means something when it comes to andrew. so i begin reading it. he thanked me for his package, and for supporting him and such, answered a few questions from my letter i had sent him with his package.

.as i turn the page over, i read that andrew has been stressed and having a really hard time. come to find out, he has had very very bad anxiety. so bad that when he eats that he feels like he is going to throw up, so he doesn't eat that much. that his side is hurting him (from the accident), as well as his wrist. he has lost 10 pounds in a about 1 1/2 weeks.

.my heart dropped. the poor boy has been dealing with these health problems since the accident, and thought he was strong enough to go out and finish the mission. now he is worried. he says, i don't know exactly why i am worried, i just feel like i should be. of course, andrew doesn't want me telling anyone, but i knew that his mom needed to know. i texted debbie and we both are hoping that through extra support and prayers, andrew will be able to continue his mission as he desires.

.i told him he needed to ask for a blessing, and also to pray for an answer on what to do. the poor thing is already so small, and loosing ten pounds, i can only imagine. not only physically has he been fighting...but emotionally.

.monday morning andrew said he had a breakdown. luckily he was alone, but for some reason or another, he said he thought of Emma, the accident, me, and the time he has left...and lost it.

.just as the night of the accident, i feel helpless. i feel do distanced, and not being able to be there to help him, and take care of him. last year andrew got really sick. he was in washington, and his mom wasn't here. so i sat by his bedside has he cried in pain. i felt so helpless. i didn't everything i could think of. he was as white as a ghost, and didn't want to eat anything. i was calling debbie and asking for advice, and he main thing was, don't let him get dehydrated, because he does very easily and fast...and if he does, he has to go to the hospital. i felt helpless. i finally laid my bed on his bed, and cried while holding his hand.

.that's the same feeling i have now. not knowing what to do. i guess with no work today, my mind is just twisting, and when i fall asleep i dream of andrew, and something bad happening. my mind is just going everywhere. and i am worried. that probably explains the food that just doesn't sound good, and my face breaking out. cause i am worried. and feeling helpless.

.weekend goodness.

.this blog is random, but thats okay, because I have written in a while, and this weekend has been GREAT.

.my marine left a week ago, he is doing SO SO SO well. loving it up there. called me Saturday and talked to me. sounds so happy and that what is the best thing EVER. knowing my friends are happy.

.monday i got a package from andrew. he got this lighter from a museum. cool right. well he had ENGRAVED two hearts on it, and on the other side, promise for time and eternity. i also said this saying engraved on his watch he wears everyday for christmas. it was awesome.

.last weekend i got to see my BEST GIRLFRIEND janelle. it was great to see her, and enjoy our nomal "girl shopping trips". i was good and didnt spend alot. and got some cute shirts.

.last sunday i got to sit in the middle of Megan Feeler (my piont guard) and Colby Rascol (my sisters boyfriend) during church. bre was giving a talk, so Colby came to listen. and megan is just SA-WEET and she has been looking at our church for a while. so i picked her up and brought her with me.

.i got to spend time with my long friend ashley. i have not seen her in forever. she looked beautiful like normal, and we got to catch up.

.keith and i have really been working on our friendship and getting into some deep conversations. he is really my only friend around here.

.friday night i got to watch a volcano game (basketball), and meet keith's teammates from clark ball. they were so nice and keith keeps telling them i am playing ball there... I AM NOT.

.saturday night i got to watch keith do what he does so well...play with the kids. i could sense that Tammy was not feeling good, and stressed. so i picked up a pizza and came over. tammy and i had a good talk about things, until i saw that keith was getting tackled by all three kids (kian, holly and travis-kians friend). we all played outside until it was bedtime :) .

.keith came to church with me sunday. i have had very strong feelings about keith and church. we have a close enough friendship, that he knows he could say no, and i wouldnt get mad. well he said yes, so saturday night we went shopping for "church clothes" - he came and looked so handsome. lol. it was good and he is coming next week too.

.overall this is what i have been up to. its been great, and really enjoyable. life is good, and when times get hard, i have to look back and remind myself, that life is good. really good.