.marine time.

.this past week I have stopped exercising and just trying to figure out life. i have some things figured out...but some things have come up that just leaves me head thinking all the time. i dont know why i wasn't friends with this kid before...probably cause i was a total butt in high school...but Andrew McCarty (bean) came home this last week from boot camp for the marines. he is honestly one of the most amazing guys i know...besides andrew and my bestie keith. he has such knowledge, and an AMAZING listener. he is a marine...so he will kick your butt, and tell you things straight to the point, but that seems to be what i need right now.

(this is typical McCarty...he is listening to you...but loves his phone)

.we knew of eachother, and talked like small talk a couple times throughout high school. usually when i would make fun of him on the way to the skill center, but it's like this friendship was meant to be, and has been there for a while...and we just now found it. we talk and laugh as if we have been friends for years. its crazy. he is also BEST friends with Keith...its just crazy we are developing our friendship now.

.i also learned yesterday to NEVER run with a marine. they push you, they tell you that your breathing wrong and too much, and that pain is only temporary. i died yesterday. bean kept saying, "its all in your head." i told him that its not going to be all in my head when he carries my dead body home. i was also STUPID and did a jillian micheals workout RIGHT BEFORE running...this workout i was doing for the first time...and it killed. i wanted to just stop and i did alot of the time. cause "you can't do it" "your not good enough" "your stupid" kept going through my head... common terms i hear alot. i am now living with charlie horses in my legs today. yahoo. and what does bean text me this morning?? lets go running everyday until i leave...he wants me to go running again with him...and today...i think he will know my answer when he is running alone.

.i have also realized how lucky i am to have a best friend like keith. he is SO sweet and good to me. he cares about me so much. he is my bestie. but also a older brother i never had, who would do anything for me, look out for me, and protect me. all i have to do is give him the"eye" or possibly the "roll of the eyes" (bean says i do that alot) and he can read my mind. i guess thats what happens when you have been best friends and been through ALOT since 8th grade. i am so lucky to be blessed with amazing people in my life...especially right now.

.i have still continued with my "scottie days". the distance really sucks. i lost it when i got his letter on tuesday. just laid in my bed and cried my eyes out. but i have been having a problem with staying home when i get down. and i am trying to change that. i have gone out every night this week. baseball games. running. sipping shakes and talking. its great. but i also miss the guy across the states. my mind has been thinking too much. it needs a break. :)

(I have no clue what he is next to...)

(these are the HUGE burgers they ate...Andrew hate most of his)

.random.

.so this post is random. its different thoughts i have had on my mind, and just different events going on through my last couple of weeks, that i havent had time to write about.

(homecoming back in the day...janelle and i doubled with our dates)

.i am missing my high school days, just for the social part. and being around friends all of the time. i am SUPER excited fro janelle to come home this weekend. she is truly my my loyal and faithful girlfriend, and we always seem to have a SUPER fun time together, and have the girl talks needed. its funny....distance has been an issue and we havent stayed in contact as much as we would like...but the last time we were together....i could tell something was up. . . she said nothing...and i said, okay i am here to talk if you need me....and than she rolled over (we were sharing a bed in utah at andrew's house) and just spilled it out about her troubles...it was awesome to know that we are still close even through the distance :) i love that girl.

.i am really missing andrew. however, i am doing so much better knowing how happy he is. i am super happy with knowing he is doing what he wants and how we are both being strengthened through it. i know i have blogged about it a hundred times and probably said the same thing over and over again. i am thankful the Lord knows what i need to hear, and when i need to hear it. i was having a rough couple of days this past week...and i was having dreams of Andrew coming home and telling me he doesn't love me anymore. it was horrible. and of course a girl always worries about "what if". i got a letter from andrew. he talked about how much is misses me, how much he loves me and how much i mean to him. and how thankful he is for me and for me being supportive. the part i needed to hear was this,

"you think i am happy now out here now, the happiest day of my life will be when i near across the alter from you and have you as my wife for eternity."

.school. a word that truly scares me. i know once i get into the motion of it, i will be okay. but walking on campus the other day and finally finishing my financial form, and going in this week to look at my schedule and figure things out. i know i have to work EXTRA hard and its going to be CRAZY busy and hectic trying to seal my Associates by the goal I have in mind, I am just hoping after meeting this week with the Education counselor that she will say that my goal is achievable.
.i am excited to be able to spend one more year with holly & kian. even through the headaches i get some days...its worth it. i have really grown attached to holly because we spend so much time together....and i love kian with his sly comments he says every now and than...we dont get to spend that much time together :( ...but when we do we have alot of fun. i am feeling comfortable knowing i have a job for me next year, to be able to pay the bills, for school, and gas.

.life is crazy. but i am still living.i am ready for the summer sun.

.good day.

i slept in today because i am burnt out. i have been burnt out for a while, but know i needed to keep tracking through this week and to the end of the month. i will be honest...i DO NOT want to go to work today and watch kian and holly...but my day ended like this....

**kian not wanting to go to the campsite to play....but ended up getting mad when it was time to go.

**holly interacting with every boy she possibly could

**kian and holly the ONLY kids that wanted to touch the fish they caught and help season it, and put carry the heads to the garbage, etc.

**kian telling me that i was the best babysitter

**holly telling me thank you for taking them to the campsite

**holly & kian wanting to go back to camp overnight

.it was a great day. now they are sleeping together in holly's bed. worn out, tired and happy.

no tears tonight for mom and dad

i also thought it was funny my sister knows me too well. even through a text. i texted her earlier cause i was bored, but also cause i needed to talk. about an hour or so later when i had the kids with me, she finally texted me back. i said that i was busy but when i texted her i was bored. she repsonded with a ya right. than i confessed that it was memorial weekend that andrew took me to the beach for the very first time in my entire life. so i kinda had a scottie meltdown in my room.

the story that seals the deal with a good day...and made me laugh so hard was this...

so we went to a campsite where some friends where camping. jack and karen. colton and kenzie-co's friends william, kc and austin. austins mom. becky and her nephew. her finance alex. anyways becky was asking about holly... knowing she didnt look like kian. so i was telling her how holly was adopted from china..and she was telling me how a friend had adopted a child from another place...anyways....william (not the brightest crayon in the box) says this.

did they order her online??

becky & i at this point was half laughing and confused at the same time...i was thinking, did he really ask that??

william continues. i thought they could type in what kind of kid they wanted on craiglist or something, see the faces and pick.

jack (always throwing jokes) says, yea william and they get them in 3-5 days.

than i said through my laughter, but they can upgrade to priority shipping.

we were all laughing.

.swift n pickler.

Friday after getting my feelings out and in the open... I was feeling good!!!

Woke up Saturday at 7:30 and was doing something I thought was so important...laundry n hand outs for the Young Authors thing my mom had to go to that I promised I would get done for her.

Than I washed my car & vaccumed it, Bree washed the camery, we both washed the dog, than we came in and cleaned the house... from dusting to vaccuming, to bathrooms, to our rooms.

Than I got ready to go to the concert. Taylor Swift and Kelli Pickler of course!!! I drove to Oregon to pick up Karen n Mackenzee...she had NO clue we were going. We got there and bought her a Taylor shirt and she still didnt figure it out...so we handed her an envelope with the tickets in it and told her to open it...we got it on camera....when I get it from Karen...I will post it. Cutest/Funniest thing ever!! She was so Shocked and so happy. We went to the before concert, walked around, saw many Taylor wanna be's....than to the concert.

A band called Glorianna performed first. They were pretty good. Than my girl Kelli Pickler came out...she was AMAZING! She is SOOOO pretty & did a great job and had so much energy...It was great!

At this point it was 9...and the concert had been going a little longer than 1 1/2 hours. Taylor came out. She performed I dont know how many songs, I swear every song on her Fearless Album, plus her popular ones from her album before. She did so many cool things on stage. From starting in a band uniform to pulling that off and having a dress underneath... from an "old" modern day dress...to having that come off and having a white princess dress undearneath. Than doing the "award show" stunt....where the water was coming down...however that water had words in it as it fell on her singing, "Should of said no". We were on the opposite end of the arena, and kinda high up. But right dead middle. Than suddenly we heard this voice...(meanwhile Taylor went backstage)....she shows up maybe 10 feet from us in the middle of the crowd and sings. It was amazing.!!!

And of course, its a COUNTRY concert...so I had to go as a cowgirl.....

Lately, I have been trying to figure out what has been wrong with me. I have been happy, don't get me wrong...but there was something. I don't know if it was PMS, if it was me running this last week, if it was Andrew being gone, friends not "staying connected", home life, lack of friends, etc.

So Friday night I had the day off, I went and did my placement test...UGH...and came home, relaxed, picked up baby shower cake for Tammy, went to a Baseball game, and than to Kirby's to help her decorate for the baby shower as promised. We didn't really have mush to do... for some reason I was thinking streamers, but that was never in the plans :) Anyways after decorating Tammy, Bree and I got into some deep conversation about things. Some personal experiences, some just stories, and chatting back and forth. Kyle was gone with his buddies, Holly was put to sleep which was much needed, and Kian was watching Spongebob upstairs.

Finally. I found out what it was that just wasn't right. I was honestly holding so much information/personal thoughts and feelings inside of me, because I had no one to talk to. For the sake of my mom, I have been trying to be strong...and with some of my issues, going to my mom was out of the picture. My sister's I do talk, but I needed someone else I felt. Andrew is gone, and my worries/concerns should be the least of his worries...right now. I am so thankful to be put into a family to nanny for, that has such an amazing mom.

Tammy was seriously my lifesaver Friday night. I had cried myself to sleep the entire week, just with worries and concerns about alot of things, and alot of it concerning my future. Even if she didn't want to hear me, she listened and expressed her concern and let me know of her outreached hand at any time. We ended up talking until 12:30ish!!! About 3 hours probably.

Friday night was not a girls night out of wild partying, and memories/stories made, but more of a girls night in, listening to one another, and being there for support.

.marathon runner.

Last week I walked into work (okay Kirby's house) already upset at myself for not going running. I have had this new goal in mind, of running at least 3 times a week, but have been failing at getting my body out of bed in the morning. This particular morning I had turned off my alarm clock and enjoyed more sleep....however, thinking about it on the way over to work...I was mad at myself.

Well I guess God knew that I needed help at getting to this goal, when Tammy asked me this,

"Are you a runner??"

"I was in shock... my repsonse was, "ah, well kinda, no. I am trying to get into running again."

She than proceeded with this...

"well I have this idea, but I need a friend to do it with me, and to keep me motivated, and on track..."

So at this point my mind wonders, "what is she going to say next? Cut back on junk food? Candy? Soda?...but was quickly interupted with...

"You want to run a half marathon with me??"

Words could not come out of my mouth. I was completely taken back. ME? I marathon runner? Finally when words came I said, "I dont know if my body would let me do that." Tammy laughed and said, "yes it could. It's not until October. I could probably only run 5-6 miles and walk the rest. Half marathon is 13 miles!!! I will look up information for us, and see if it's going to work for us." And proceeded to walk out the door with my mind tossing and turning.

Well. yesterday I went running for the first time since my senior year. Sure I have played a little ball when I coached at Hockinson, but nothing like Timed Mile Run. So I jogged/walked a mile to get warmed up. And than did another mile timed. I told myself to not get my hopes up. I jogged my mile in 9:30. I wasnt very happy or pleased. But I can't get down on myself for not running for such a long time. My body sure needed it, it is SO sore today... but its going to have to do something cause these legs are carrying me on my run tomorrow :) So even if we end up not doing the marathon, at this point I am happy with having the "mind set" that I am, and getting my body in shape.

PLUS I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE MY BODY LOOK LIKE THIS

.feeling left out

i am feeling left out. i am feeling left out of being married, getting married, or at least engaged! Megan has been married for a year now. Chelsie got married last weekend. Ami Debored getting married this weekend. Jessie Grange & Katie Maddess next month. Jenny in August.Britny and Brock are engaged... WHO IS NEXT!!i am feeling left out of spending money on my wedding dress, a vail, shoes, etc. i am feeling left out on spending money on his ring. i am feeling left out of spending money on decorations for the receptions. i am feeling left out on deciding what colors i want for my wedding. i am feeling left out on planning the date. i am feeling left out on spending money on bride asserories. i am feeling left out in spending money on cake. i am feeling left out on spending money on flowers. i am feeling left out on spending money on photographer. i am feeling left out on spending money on the honeymoon. i am feeling left out on spending money on transportation to a different state for another reception. i am feeling left out on the money spent on tanning to look good in pictures. i am feeling left out on spending money on makeup. i am feeling left out on the stress.

who am i kidding!??! lol. I am just fine. I dont feel left out at all spending money, stress, decisions, etc. :)

I will enjoy sitting back, attending receptions, earning/saving money, and seeing different ideas that i can steal from other's wedding receptions :)

I will relax and dream of my Hawaii honeymoon

.18 months.

I guess I haven't written here for a while, because I have been busy running kids around, filling out FASFA forms, talking to Andrew for the last time in a while, and to be honest.....

Not wanting to cry as I write.

Today Andrew flew off on a plane to PA. I am so grateful for this opportunity for him to be able to serve. He really was excited, and with the waiting I think he lost his drive for a bit, but got it back, as you can tell in the pictures posted below. I am so grateful for his mom Debbie, to keep me in the loop and sending me pictures of Andrew being set apart, and soon him leaving this morning :) She was texting for Andrew & I last night (since Andrew can't text)...it was great to be able to hear Andrew tell me to accomplish my dreams....and be strong. It ended my night great.

However, I know that Andrew would want me to continue reading my scriptures at night, and saying my prayer...as well as the Lord. So last night I read a page and a half, and said my prayer. It was hard for me last night to kneel down and pray... because I honestly haven't said an individual prayer in a long time. I felt ashamed praying, but quickly felt comfort and love from our Lord. I cried the entire prayer, not because Andrew was gone, but because I felt comfort at a time when I needed it most.

Andrew has always told me, its your decision to get sad, mad, upset, happy about things. So I am trying my best to be happy, and I know I should be with this blessing of Andrew being able to go out and serve. Yes, I still get emotional sometimes, but this is a blessing, and I need to be happy for him, and I am happy for him.

I am also thankful for "little moments" this morning. I woke up, came to work, and found a card from Tammy & Kyle....the card was so cute, and it was just a "checking in" card, where they talked about how they know it has been hard for me, but how I am strong, and I have been such an influence for their kids. Than I came to check my email, and get some things done while H is at school, and in my inbox is pictures from Debbie of Andrew's setting apart. He is so happy...and may I say good looking!??! I have always loved Andrew is a suit...I don't know why but its by far my favorite outfit on him :) Than, in my inbox is a quick email Andrew wrote to me before he was set apart, and went to church yesterday. He talked about how much of a blessing this is. How much I have grown, how proud of me he is. How this promise ring means alot to him, as it does me. And more :) It was SO good to hear Andrew's words. It really makes your day :)

Anyways, well as you all know who read my blog, I do this to kinda get my thoughts/feelings out...and they often put people to sleep. So here are pictures that the wonderful Debbie sent over :) I will post more when I get them :)

This is the Stake President, Andrew, and his bishop :)

(Roger-father, Evan in front, Andrew, Debbie-mom, and Heather)
This is the Westensee Family, minus Tyler...Tyler is currently serving a mission as well in Peru. He will come home a few days (give of take) after Andrew, in November of 2010

My handsome missionary :)