.the greatest calling of all.

.this post is a very personal experience from this past week. I am also including quotes from an AWESOME talk that I learned about this weekend (more on that later in the post).

.this past week has been REALLY hard for me.

.and its not because of being away from family.

.i have been having an extremely hard time with brooklynn.

.she has been more on the naughtier side, than on the sweet side. 

.she has pushed my buttons, and has made me snap.

.she has continued to scream, she has started hitting, she has started kicking, she has continued to look right at me, and tell me no. 

.by the time thursday rolled around. i was done.

.d.o.n.e. 

.she pushed me to my limit, and i snapped.

.i may have grabbed her arm too hard, i may have spanked her too hard, i may have yelled at her, i may have said unkind things to her, i may have said unkind things about her in my head. 

.nap time rolled around and she was NOT napping. i was SO done. so i left her in her room to wake up her brother. closed the door. sat down. and cried.

.i cried not knowing WHERE to go from here. i cried because i had reached my breaking point and took it out on brooklynn rather than walk away from the situation. i cried because i felt SO lost, and had  NEVER felt this lost EVER in my life about something. i cried because i felt like SUCH a failure as a mother. i cried because i felt like i had prayed and prayed and prayed for guidance, and patience with brooklynn and how to help her, and felt i had no answers.

i texted andrew and asked him to come home early. i let brooklynn "run the show" for the rest of the day, and avoided her as much as possible. andrew came home, and i let him take over with brooklynn. i needed to get out, so WE went for a jog/walk with andrew and the kids.

.by the time we got back, it was bath time and time for bed. both kids were fighting bedtime. i got parker and sat down and rocked him. rocked and rocked and rocked him. 

.once he was asleep, i laid him down to turn around to brooklynn. she has gotten out of her crib, had her blanket in her hand and said, "rock?" i knew she wanted to be rocked like her brother, but i honestly, was in NO mood to rock her. but i did. and i am SO glad i did. 

.i held her, and rocked her, it was quiet and so i began to start to sing a song. first song that came to my mind...

"I am a Child of God

And He has sent me here

Has given me an earthly home

With Parents Kind and Dear."

.and than a lump in my throat formed and i just cried. i sang the rest of the song through my tears as i held brooklynn very close and sang to her. i sang about how she is a child of God who LOVES her, and sent her here to earthly parents who LOVE her. I felt the arms of the Lord wrap around me that evening as I continued to sing songs of the Gospel to Brooklynn and hold her tight. Every time i finished a song, Brooklynn would look at me and say, "more?" I gladly help Brooklynn tight that evening, rocking her to sleep as I sang songs about Christ and His love for His children, which included me.

Lead me, guide me, 

Walk besides me

help me find the way

Teach me all that i must do

To live with Him, someday.

.the next morning, friday. i felt completely different. I hugged Brooklynn all day long. I would softly and quietly and loving explain to her, when an issue came up throughout the day. it was completely different day. brooklynn was a different person, as was i.

.friday evening i got a text from my visiting teacher asking if i wanted a ride to the stake general relief society conference on saturday at 11. i told andrew how much i DID NOT want to go. i texted her back telling her that we were planning on going to austin, but if we ended up not going, i would let her know. we tossed around the idea to get brooklynn's birthday present, but never made a REAL decision.

.saturday morning andrew and i decided we would check out local places for b's birthday present. GREAT that meant i would have to go to this conference. for real?...or i can just tell her we have other plans as a family. . . which we did....we needed to get brooklynn's birthday present, it was the last weekend to do it. 

.than a knock on the door.

.fedex man. package. andrew looked at me surprised. 

.i open it and its play plates and silverware from grandma/grandpa westensee.

.what?.

i look at the little packing details. 

a note that says Happy Birthday Beatle, We Love you. (gpa westensee calls Brooklynn Beatle)

.and than below it see a silverware set and a play kitchen that will be shipped separately.

.are you kidding me? no way. awesome....but....what are we going to get her....now i REALLY have to go. agh.

.i send the dreaded text..."hey, we decided not to go to austin. so i can go today if your still up to picking me up. if i am out of the way, no worries i can drive separate  :) (i REALLY didnt mean the smilie face).

.after a few texts back and forth. she was picking me up. at 10:40.

.agh. seriously. 

.so off i got ready, rode in the car, sat in the 2 row back from the front (thats seriously is too close for me). sat by a bunch of girls i dont even know. (insert fake smiling face here).

.lady stands up, tells the program, and we start singing the opening song...as sisters in zion.

.oh my gosh. SO powerful to hear such a small amount of woman with such a profound message, and with such power. holy moly.

.and than the speakers. the entire conference i thought about brooklynn. the messages were about charity and having the love of Christ in own homes, and as we teach our children, and towards our spouse. the messages were straight to the point, but still loving. oh.my.gosh. one of my favorite quotes that really touched me, because it was what i needed to hear.

"A sweet and obedient child will enroll a father or mother only in Parenting 101. If you are blessed with a child who tests your patience to the nth degree, you will be enrolled in Parenting 505. Rather than wonder what you might have done wrong in the premortal life to be so deserving, you might consider the more challenging child a blessing and opportunity to become more godlike yourself. With which child will your patience, long-suffering, and other Christlike virtues most likely be tested, developed, and refined? Could it be possible that you need this child as much as this child needs you?"

.and than we say the closing song.

As I have loved you

Love one another

This new commandment

Love one Another

.i totally lost it. tears filled my eyes, my heart was full, and it was exactly what i needed to hear. the conference was an answer to my prayer. 

.on the back of our programs it had a list of 6 talks that were reference during the conference. i came home and read/listened to them. 

.i was moved, with a talk by elder holland entitled, "Because she is a Mother." read it here. i promised it is not a waste of your time. (I added some of my favorite quotes from the talk at the end of this post)

.i have learned that motherhood is not easy. but God entrusted ME with HIS precious daughter. that HE gave ME the opportunity to learn and grow because of Brooklynn. Because of BROOKLYNN I can learn patience. Because of BROOKLYNN I can learn love. Because of BROOKLYNN I can have the spirit in my home. Because of BROOKLYNN I can learn prayer. Because of BROOKLYNN i can rely more on the Lord. Because of BROOKLYNN I can grow closer to the Lord. Because of BROOKLYNN I can become more like Christ. Because of BROOKLYNN I have the greatest calling of all- I am a mother. Because of BROOKLYNN I have purpose and reason to my life. Because of BROOKLYNN I have a perfect example of becoming more like a child. Because of BROOKLYNN i have heaven in my home.

"In speaking of mothers generally, I especially wish to praise and encourage young mothers. The work of a mother is hard, too often unheralded work. The young years are often those when either husband or wife—or both—may still be in school or in those earliest and leanest stages of developing the husband’s breadwinning capacities. Finances fluctuate daily between low and nonexistent. The apartment is usually decorated in one of two smart designs—Deseret Industries provincial or early Mother Hubbard. The car, if there is one, runs on smooth tires and an empty tank. But with night feedings and night teethings, often the greatest challenge of all for a young mother is simply fatigue. Through these years, mothers go longer on less sleep and give more to others with less personal renewal for themselves than any other group I know at any other time in life. It is not surprising when the shadows under their eyes sometimes vaguely resemble the state of Rhode Island."

"Do the best you can through these years, but whatever else you do, cherish that role that is so uniquely yours and for which heaven itself sends angels to watch over you and your little ones."

"But one thing, she said, keeps her going: “Through the thick and the thin of this, and through the occasional tears of it all, I know deep down inside I am doing God’s work. I know that in my motherhood I am in an eternal partnership with Him. I am deeply moved that God finds His ultimate purpose and meaning in being a parent, even if some of His children make Him weep."

"...may I say to mothers collectively, in the name of the Lord, you are magnificent. You are doing terrifically well. The very fact that you have been given such a responsibility is everlasting evidence of the trust your Father in Heaven has in you. He knows that your giving birth to a child does not immediately propel you into the circle of the omniscient. If you You are doing God’s work. You are doing it wonderfully well. He is blessing you and He will bless you, even—no, especially—when your days and your nights may be the most challenging.and your husband will strive to love God and live the gospel yourselves; if you will plead for that guidance and comfort of the Holy Spirit promised to the faithful; if you will go to the temple to both make and claim the promises of the most sacred covenants a woman or man can make in this world; if you will show others, including your children, the same caring, compassionate, forgiving heart you want heaven to show you; if you try your best to be the best parent you can be, you will have done all that a human being can do and all that God expects you to do."

"When you have come to the Lord in meekness and lowliness of heart and, as one mother said, “pounded on the doors of heaven to ask for, to plead for, to demand guidance and wisdom and help for this wondrous task,” that door is thrown open to provide you the influence and the help of all eternity. Claim the promises of the Savior of the world. Ask for the healing balm of the Atonement for whatever may be troubling you or your children. Know that in faith things will be made right in spite of you, or more correctly, because of you."

"Like the woman who anonymously, meekly, perhaps even with hesitation and some embarrassment, fought her way through the crowd just to touch the hem of the Master’s garment, so Christ will say to the women who worry and wonder and sometimes weep over their responsibility as mothers, “Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole.” ¹² And it will make your children whole as well."

.general conference catch up.

.so general conference. 

.im not going to lie, we were not very good about listening to it. 

.BUT.

(dont judge me yet). 

.i have been taking the time during naptime to listen to 2-3 talks and take notes and write down my favorite quotes. i have been LOVING this. 

.so what did we REALLY do general conference weekend.

.we went garage sale shoppin' and got a total steal on a double jogging stroller for 60 bucks...and i turned around and sold my single for 70. SCORE.

.we went early, got back and figured we would turn on the last bit while eating some lunch and getting the kids ready for naps. well. surprise we live in texas now...it was almost 11 and hadnt even started yet. we tried out best to listen through the 2 kids playing....but it was nearly impossible. kids woke up from their nap and we headed off to seaworld for the day.

.unfortunately, i didnt get any pictures. so now, is the time you can judge me for not listening to the second session on saturday AND going to seaworld WITHOUT pictures. i will have to for sure get video next time because b LOVES going down the water slide. she is SO fun.

.sunday we did listen. and we ate our traditional general conference cinnamon rolls. i was really hit hard with andrew's head cold so i do have to say, i did NOT change 1 diaper, feed 1 kid, clean any of the apartment, make any of the meals....it was all done by the hubs and i loved every minute of it. it felt SO nice to completely relax. 

.well another week as gone by. b is still potty training awesome. she has had a few accidents just from being stubborn while playing, or not getting on the toilet fast enough. minor. ill take it. we can go out in underwear and she tells me when she needs to go potty and we go. one diaper a day. LOVE that. 

.this weekend was pretty chill. saturday we went to goodwill/salvation army to check out furniture and just to see if we would find any fun finds for the house. i really want to redo a dresser/bed, etc. anyways. we didnt this time around...well okay, i did...but everything i liked andrew thought was ugly. but it was fun to see things and know it can be an option. and just to get out. we headed home, ate lunch and put the kids down for naps. andrew and i both did our own things. and once the kids woke up we figured we would go to seaworld.....well we checked the weather and it was overcast, windy and only 75....so we decided on a park and to grab something for dinner. off to the park we went. than we grab some dinner, stopped at a mcdonalds and let brooklynn run wild some more. came home, bathed kids, laid out clothes for sunday, packed diaper bag and andrew and i sat down to watch a movie.

.however.

.i fell asleep before it even started. 

.ops.

.b and i having some with the different effects on photobooth. 

 .parker is the coolest kid in the block.

 .park time.

 .park time.

 .park time.

 .i was in my room when i heard moving of a chair...i thought for sure b was going for the candy on the counter (she often stacks boxes in attempt to get to the candy) anyways, i walked in and saw this...no candy here...just daniel tigers neighborhood up close and personal.

 .it was 80 degrees out and she INSISTED on wearing your boots.

 .uncle tyler would do this when he was younger. parker thinks its the coolest things to crawl everywhere with a bottle hanging out of your mouth.

 .b LOVING the camera

 .parker boy.

 .more camera time.

 .LOVE this picture of b.

 .this is when we were potty training (3 weeks ago)...she was showing my the chocolate she got when she either peed or pooed on the toilet.

 .b HAD to have her daddy hold her last night. it was rare and adorable.

 .parker the poser....just kidding he LOVES looking at lights..

 .taking a break from running around at the park.

 .she LOVES going down the slide like this...the lifeguards at seaworld FLIP out. 

 .so my son is SO blonde. and he has short hair everywhere but his "mohawk area"....however, that area is getting long and i think we will be buzzing it all the same length and a bit shorter soon.

.b is the master of climbing. she LOVEs to do it by herself.

.cannot believe this little girl will be 2 in less than 2 weeks!

.short vs long....AGAIN.

.im getting bored with my hair.

.again.

.i swear you can cut your hair, or change it, and about a month later, your bored with it.

.at least, im that way.

.so i have been thinking about cutting my hair short.

.not really short.

.but short for me.

.but here is problems i am running into.

.my small hairs that are growing right along my hairline (along my forehead) since i had parker.

.seriously, one of the most annoying things ever. 

.i want some side bangs, but not so sure if they will lay nicely with these little devil hairs growing and making my hair go every which way. annoying.

.i also, just figured out some fun ways to do my hair with my straightener, and such....and with short hair, that limits my "hair doings"....but lets me real here, as i write this, my hair is in a pony tail....and yesterday, when i went out my hair was down....and as soon as i came home, up in a crazy bun. lol.

.i love my long hair...but i feel like i look SO boring when all i have time for is to straightener it. 

.i want something fun, spunky, hot, and "cool" for the texas summer.

.i LOVE my hair short...i love how light and easy it is to do...but i also think i look younger, and i HATE looking like a teenage mom of 2. hate that. but than i also see girls with their hair long and all the cute things they do and thing....dang, WHY did i cut it?

.but than when its long i feel BLAH...and i feel like it just boring and looks nasty. i really dont have that much time to "do" it and when i take the time to do it, i just turn around to a messy apartment to clean up from the kids. 

alright....so i guess i need feedback from you guys. WHAT DO YOU THINK!?!?

 ^^this is how im thinking of cutting it.

 .picture of when i had somewhat short hair.

 .remember when you would take stupid cell phone pictures and send them to your bf...yep, this is one of them. 

 .shorter hair.

 .longer hair.

 .most recent longer hair...yes, i do in fact take pictures of stuff in the dressing room and send them to my sister for approval.

 .longer hair.

 .OH MY HIGH SCHOOL...shorter hair.

.shorter hair.

.what do you think?!?!?!

.easter weekend 2013.

.easter was so fun this year.

.i swear i love holidays more when i have kids. especially at the age b is...she just is starting to connect the dots and get more and more excited...i cant even imagine the next few years...!!

.we started our weekend off by sleeping in. we talked about going to a easter hunt, but decided we would just do our own at home after church. since we are new here, we dont know where to go, and dont really know our ward too well, or heard anything about our ward doing anything anyways.

.so saturday we hung around, i went grocery shopping while the babies slept and andrew stayed home. . . than once they woke up, we headed off to get some subway (for whatever reason, i am LOVING subway...and NO i am NOT pregnant...seriously, you think im crazy...TWICE?).

.once we finished our dinner, we headed off to get b some sandals. she has lots of tennis shoes, but she is CONSTANTLY throwing them off cause her feet are too hot. so i went to get sandals.

.i found this ADORABLE pair, i LOVED them, if they had them in my size i would get it....HOWEVER, my child HATES things between her toes! REALLY CHILD...really??...the most adorable pair and you cant get over your OCD for a cute pair of shoes. she literally SCREAMED and cried when i put them on her....so i had to get some sandals that didnt have to go between her toes...

...do you know my options...not pretty. she was OBSESSED with this one pair that had 3 different colored flowers...i was not a fan, and neither was andrew. when i showed andrew he said, "those are ugly" and that means something coming from andrew. . . but they worked and was a good price, and i guess they will match everything because they have so many colors? gosh kid. get over this o.c.d...please.

.we rented a few movies and headed home. i wanted to do SOMETHING easter with them, so we made easter s'mores. graham cracker, chocolate, peep....i honestly didnt have one, but b LOVED watching the b blow up in the microwave and consuming him. i did a few things to get ready for dinner the next day, bathed the kids and put them to bed...but that was the thing...they didnt go to bed...for 1.5 hours. they played and played and played in parker's bed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

.they FINALLY went to bed, and the easter bunny made his appearance right around midnight. mommy and daddy had just finished a movie, and he just came right through and left tracks....

VIDEO: EASTER BUNNY CAME

.when i did this (left the bunny tracks) andrew laughed at me and thought i was being a little ridiculous ...but i wanted to do something fun for them to find in the morning and will probably do it every year from now on....even when santa claus comes...just a different "footprint" obviously.

VIDEO: EASTER MORNING WAKE UP

.we woke up and the kids found their baskets. b was so thrilled for CANDY...we headed off to church and had some great lessons. when we got home we had some lunch and the kids and daddy went and took naps while mommy worked on dinner. 

VIDEO: B FOUND THE BUNNY TRACKS

.when the kids got up we facetimed with gma/gpa westensee and the family. it is evan's birthday and so we sang happy birthday and the grandparents got to see their grandbabies. 

.than we had dinner. i was happy i made a nice dinner, and everything turned out good. i am NOT a cook, so cooking is kinda a hit or miss if it turns out good. we had ham, mashed potatoes, steamed corn, and whipped jello.

.than b and i dyed eggs. so i didnt want to deal with the whole liquid, dropping the egg into the liquid and than into a different liquid just to make a cool egg that a not even 2 year old could honestly care less about. so i saw a link on my sister's wall to use shaving cream and than food coloring...when i read up about it people said the  eggs tasted like shaving cream....but someone else suggested COOL WHIP and food coloring. SWEET. an easy, inexpensive dye that b can eat and doesnt get TOO messy. so we did it and had a blast. the eggs didnt turned out all that great...but it works for this year, cause b loved eating the cool whip.

.now the kids are bathed, prayers are sent, and the babies are sleeping. it was a great easter and i loved watching the excitement of my little ones. so much fun. i loved the special spirit easter brings, and for our Savior, for all that He has done for me. I am especially grateful that he trusted me to raise two beautiful children, and to watch them learn and grow and enjoy this easter season with me.

 .easter peep s'mores.

.i pretended for the picture, lets be honest...mama just ate chocolate :)

 the easter bunny came through the back door.....

....over the ottoman..... 

...and out the front door, and left the presents along the route. 

 .parker got puff, yogurt bites, baby food, 2 books, 2 cars and a water ball.

.mommy got see's and more chocolate....daddy got a shirt, sees and more candy...and jellybeans...he LOVES jellybeans. 

.b got candy, a bubble wand, her abc book, water ball and more candy.

 .she already has a piece of candy in her mouth.

.tired eyes. lol.

.at church....do you see the stinking sandals she picked out.

.i LOVE their smiles in this picture.

 .the old ladies drooled over how cute parker looked. i have to say i thought he was pretty stinking cute.

 .can you believe i didnt put brooklynn in pink!?! nope. i did green. And she looks stinking cute in it. she was a little stinker thought when it came to taking pictures AFTER church because she was WORN OUT and tired...i dont blame her, i was too. 

 .i looked and looked and looked for a little boys tie, at least one that would match b's dress too, and FINALLY after looking 4 different places i found one. yahoo.

 .here is a little better picture of b's dress. 

.my two loves. i thank God everyday for allowing me to be their mommy. i sure love these two. especially their smiles :)

 .i made a nice easter dinner. honey glazed ham, whipped jello, corn and mashed potatoes. i was pretty proud of myself for not burning ANYTHING and everything turning out good. 

.bout to sit down for dinner....b helped herself to some corn.

.so the egg dying didnt turned out as well as i would of wanted. but it worked for a not even 2 year old. she LOVED playing in the cool whip and loved eating it...and guess what?? she could. 

.b showing off our masterpieces. 

 .here we are....wahoo.

 .than i snuggled this little man who was out watching the lighting storm on our balcony and last balance and face planted right onto the concrete. poor guy.