.girl time.

. i have had ALOT of thoughts/feelings this last week . alot of stress, alot of headaches, and heartache . i needed some girl time . but all of girls are gone. married, engaged or figuring out life .

.someone came to mind. someone who has expressed faith in God. someone who has endured MANY trials. someone who i see as a role model. someone who will listen & understand. someone who will not judge. someone who will love me. someone who i have grown close to. who has asked how i REALLY am. that someone was tammy kirby.

.i was kinda like, uh... i just didnt know. i figured. send a text, see if she responds. so i send one, asking if the kids were put to bed (kyle was at firestation). soon, i text comes back informing me kids were tucked into bed, and if i needed anything.

.tears streamed down my face as i responded, i needed to talk. God knew my needs, and answered them for me. she told me to come over, and spend the night. i got there, and she talked to me until 1am. she informed me that my feelings were okay, that what i was feeling was okay. that i needed to "live my years", and find out who i am. that whatever decision i make, is going to be hard. but most importantly, that i need to make my decision with the Lord has my best friend, and my guide.

.i slept amazing that night. i woke up the next morning, feeling so much better about myself, about my future, and what i needed to do.

.i wanted to thank tammy for being such an inspiration to me. for being there for me. for be a great role model not only to me, but for her kids and people around her. for being such an amazing mom, and wife.

.but most importantly, thank you for being an answer to my prayer.

.worried & helpless.

.the letter from andrew hadn't come on monday. nor did it come tuesday. finally wednesday i get a letter from andrew.

.it was long. and usually this means something when it comes to andrew. so i begin reading it. he thanked me for his package, and for supporting him and such, answered a few questions from my letter i had sent him with his package.

.as i turn the page over, i read that andrew has been stressed and having a really hard time. come to find out, he has had very very bad anxiety. so bad that when he eats that he feels like he is going to throw up, so he doesn't eat that much. that his side is hurting him (from the accident), as well as his wrist. he has lost 10 pounds in a about 1 1/2 weeks.

.my heart dropped. the poor boy has been dealing with these health problems since the accident, and thought he was strong enough to go out and finish the mission. now he is worried. he says, i don't know exactly why i am worried, i just feel like i should be. of course, andrew doesn't want me telling anyone, but i knew that his mom needed to know. i texted debbie and we both are hoping that through extra support and prayers, andrew will be able to continue his mission as he desires.

.i told him he needed to ask for a blessing, and also to pray for an answer on what to do. the poor thing is already so small, and loosing ten pounds, i can only imagine. not only physically has he been fighting...but emotionally.

.monday morning andrew said he had a breakdown. luckily he was alone, but for some reason or another, he said he thought of Emma, the accident, me, and the time he has left...and lost it.

.just as the night of the accident, i feel helpless. i feel do distanced, and not being able to be there to help him, and take care of him. last year andrew got really sick. he was in washington, and his mom wasn't here. so i sat by his bedside has he cried in pain. i felt so helpless. i didn't everything i could think of. he was as white as a ghost, and didn't want to eat anything. i was calling debbie and asking for advice, and he main thing was, don't let him get dehydrated, because he does very easily and fast...and if he does, he has to go to the hospital. i felt helpless. i finally laid my bed on his bed, and cried while holding his hand.

.that's the same feeling i have now. not knowing what to do. i guess with no work today, my mind is just twisting, and when i fall asleep i dream of andrew, and something bad happening. my mind is just going everywhere. and i am worried. that probably explains the food that just doesn't sound good, and my face breaking out. cause i am worried. and feeling helpless.

.weekend goodness.

.this blog is random, but thats okay, because I have written in a while, and this weekend has been GREAT.

.my marine left a week ago, he is doing SO SO SO well. loving it up there. called me Saturday and talked to me. sounds so happy and that what is the best thing EVER. knowing my friends are happy.

.monday i got a package from andrew. he got this lighter from a museum. cool right. well he had ENGRAVED two hearts on it, and on the other side, promise for time and eternity. i also said this saying engraved on his watch he wears everyday for christmas. it was awesome.

.last weekend i got to see my BEST GIRLFRIEND janelle. it was great to see her, and enjoy our nomal "girl shopping trips". i was good and didnt spend alot. and got some cute shirts.

.last sunday i got to sit in the middle of Megan Feeler (my piont guard) and Colby Rascol (my sisters boyfriend) during church. bre was giving a talk, so Colby came to listen. and megan is just SA-WEET and she has been looking at our church for a while. so i picked her up and brought her with me.

.i got to spend time with my long friend ashley. i have not seen her in forever. she looked beautiful like normal, and we got to catch up.

.keith and i have really been working on our friendship and getting into some deep conversations. he is really my only friend around here.

.friday night i got to watch a volcano game (basketball), and meet keith's teammates from clark ball. they were so nice and keith keeps telling them i am playing ball there... I AM NOT.

.saturday night i got to watch keith do what he does so well...play with the kids. i could sense that Tammy was not feeling good, and stressed. so i picked up a pizza and came over. tammy and i had a good talk about things, until i saw that keith was getting tackled by all three kids (kian, holly and travis-kians friend). we all played outside until it was bedtime :) .

.keith came to church with me sunday. i have had very strong feelings about keith and church. we have a close enough friendship, that he knows he could say no, and i wouldnt get mad. well he said yes, so saturday night we went shopping for "church clothes" - he came and looked so handsome. lol. it was good and he is coming next week too.

.overall this is what i have been up to. its been great, and really enjoyable. life is good, and when times get hard, i have to look back and remind myself, that life is good. really good.

.why you love a marine.

.this morning i was able to talk to and text Andrew James McCarty. here are some of his last texts that just made my cry my eyes out when i read them. its reasons like this...why you love a marine. or maybe why you love mccarty. this is a small example of what i heard this past week.

".Listen to your heart hun, listen to he options you recieve, but dont let them sway you completely. dont give into peer pressure, be confident cause i know its hiding in there somewhere. Dont sweat the small things, dont stress about things you can't change."

(he is referring to my confidence...that he knows i lack)

".Drink water, even if you have to pee all the time then eat a little more salt, it retains water. Drink one water bottle per meal and eat potassium. Eat fruit all those will make you feel so much better hun."

(this was said after we went running and I ended up getting a GIANT knot in the back of my leg that he had to work out. Took two days until it was gone...and i never drink water...i dont like to pee)

".Wear shorts!" ."Your too beautiful to cover yourselt up, show off what God gave you."

(we got into an arguement about how I always wear Jeans cause I hate my legs.)

".I am not going to tell you when I get home and I am gonna surprise you and your gonna loose it and I'm not gonna care."

(i have been "loosing it alot" around him")

".Your smaller and less mature, so we will call it baby sister haha."

(i am only 3 1/2 months older, but i still feel like a baby sister to him)

".Ten percent of the population is military. I'm that ten percent. I'm chosen to join the bortherhood to protect you and the whole nation, and I'm damn proud to do it."

".I dont know when I leave so i'll say it now i love you hun and you will be missed but never forgotten. Communication will be constant. Talk to you later, its not goodbye remember that beautiful."

(I lost it completely after this text)

.here's to you.

.i didnt think it was going to be hard. i didnt think it was going to be hard at all to say goodbye. goodbye to a someone i really KNEW for seven days. seven days of long, deep conversations. conversations about life, dreams, the future, and disasters. disasters from experiences, when it came to life, relationships, friendships, and relationships with family. family, i learned that friends too can be counted as your family, and he become my brother.

.i have been through ALOT this past month. one month ago, i said good-bye to my missionary. one month ago, i was a lost. one month ago, i was trying to figure out who i am. one month ago, i had problems, and it seems within this last week, i have figured out most of those problems.

i have been told more this week, and been reminded this past week of who i am. i have built confidence, and realized that i do matter. i have realized, that what i want in life, is achievable, and I just need to be tough mentally. its just "one foot in front of another." i have been reminded that I am beautiful just how I am, that I dont need to change, and compare myself to others.

.it was weird, our friendship. my bestie keith, always went on about "bean" and i always wondered what was in this guy to attract to many friends, and be known as "awesome". well now i know. when i went to his house, because he told keith he wanted to see me, and said to keith, " i dont even know him" keith said it didnt matter to bean. i got there and bean embraced me with a big hug as if we have been lifetime friends. for seven days straight around 10:30 pm...our conversations start. random, but in need. he has really made my open up and talk. and its been good for me. i knew our friendship was awesome, and as he stated about out friendship, "its just the beginning, you and me." but i knew our friendship really meant alot to him, as it did me, when...

i was sitting in his room, watching him pack away everything. telling me about all the different uniforms, and seeing the honor he has of being a marine when he told the stories. but in the midst he said I want you to have these, and i looked up. In his hands he held a pair of brand new marine sweats. I knew he bought them for him, but he wanted me to have them. Now, i wear them thinking of my "brother" the marine, accomplishing his dream. here's to you brother.

.heres to andrew james mccarty. my listener. my counselor. my "eye roller". my beautiful smile friend. "my boy". my friend. my brother. my marine.